What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 12:58
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Who then, do I blame.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot live in the past .
Put me off passion for life!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why does a narcissist act like it's nothing when they hurt you?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were not on the streets..
I was very sick at this time too.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I have no regrets .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It was going to be , some day.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Was to survive, this bastard.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My life is so biszare .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We all went to grammer schools
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I write beautiful poetry .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im still living with it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I don,t even have a pension.
But it wasn’t much.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So, i spoilt her more .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She married twice! .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
All the time i was locked up.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Comes on , in middle age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was 9 years of age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i lived it daily.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But ive been too sick for many years..
He knew the spot.
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
What did i know ?
So whats the point in blame.
She loved him until the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is soul school!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Would this be the day?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I waited trembling.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was in good health!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
I said to her
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I will be 64.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was scared of men, in general
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ive learnt so much.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!